Let's Go Shitmas!
Sure, you're thinking this is too soon, but we've given the Hallmark Channel an 11-month headstart and they've probably made 10,000 films already that we need to watch...
Okay people, if you know me, or have been following this blog for more than the last 11 months, you will know what a tramp I am for Shitmas.
Yes Shitmas - you know - an xmas dream conjured up by the Hallmark Channel (in its highest expression), Marvista Entertainment at its lowest, and all kinds of people in-between, from Christian nationalists to rich white queers to - probably there are other people in the world, but Shitmas probably wouldn’t recognise this.
It’s cold. My body wants to sleep all day and awake for maybe an hour once every couple of weeks in order to binge eat cookies and watch the slushiest shit possible. I want predictable stories, romantic sentiment, I want it spelled out for me, I want badly rendered carols played by the “orchestra” setting of keyboards, overly chunky knitwear, and a bunch of thin people talking about how they drink hot chocolate with whipped cream every day. (Like, no. No you don’t.)
Of course, the global rise of fascism has stuck its shitty stick in the spoke of Shitmas, just like it has with everything else (more important things), because as of last year I was no longer just encouraging people to down a shot in the Shitmas Drinking Game when the romantic lead spoke at CPAC, I was now actively avoiding Shitmas films with frothing rightwingers in them.
Since the main aim of watching these movies is to be mean about how terrible everything about them is, this has been quite a blow to the game. I mean, I love critiquing the barely concealed disdain that Candice Cameron Bleugh has for whoever is her costar, but needs must when a madman unleashes demons on people and cities that I love.
But this year I’m going to be going further and sourcing my shitmas films ethically (as much as possible.) While I’m still going to watch whatever LiLo spews out at me, I will be exploring the further reaches of Shitmas in order to be entertained and soothed at the same time. And I’m bringing you on this journey with me - together we shall avoid Dean fucking Cain while still believing in miracles (which sounds pretty good when I write it like that, to be honest. I mean - fuck that fucking motherfucker from here to Timbuctu.)
And while Interfilm starts next week, which will allow me to wallow in all things arty and short film for a couple of weeks, after that (and - let’s be honest, probably in between the actual art) I’m going to be watching some Shitmas films. I’ll keep you posted on where the journey takes me and perhaps you’ll share a little Shitmas journey of your own.
What will everyone’s first shitmas film of the year be? I’m thinking of dashing straight in with the marvellous and magical Christmas Bounty (WWE Studios’ best moment ever, The Miz’s best moment ever, New Jersey’s…etc), which also means that if I watch it today, I can probably squeeze another viewing in on Xmas Eve.